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Internal Monoblogue

Logic at its best

chibi bahamut
1 November
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[2001] I'm shy, ambitious, and dedicated to--what else? drawing. Yeah, that and school work. -_-

[2002] reading upon my old profile, I realize how stupid I am, and really--how much of reality I was living in. you know what? I'm still shy, but I'm no longer ambitious nor dedicated at all. wow. what one year can bring...

[2003] heh. another year goes by pretty quick, huh? yeah, i'm still not ambitious, dedicated, or motivated. it's a downhill slope, where there's just one way to go, regardless. think of it as an escalator where you can't help but want to run upwards on a downwards direction. ...yet when you're midway or even further down, it's much too bleak to go on, I think. ..and why does this thing get longer and longer by the year? 0__o

[2004] Today is the new lunar calendar year--ha, as if I really kept up with that. Seems like I'm more motivated now, as I've decided to do my absolute best until I can figure something out. No regrets, mi idiota.

[2005] Lunar new years was a couple of days ago. :T And I'm looking for an internship. I've become more "real-world" minded, and it sucks. I'm...somewhere in the middle of the foot of the escalator and the midpoint. And it seems like I can't get further unless I act "overly enthusiastic", "outgoing", and insanely "congenial" at the networking parties. What a bunch of bullshit.

[2006] Seems like I'm always doing this right after Chinese New Year. :T I feel like this progression of years documented within this small space is redundant. I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied with what I have, or if I'll ever find the motivation or courage to do something about it. Status Quo. Am I just settling for this because I'm afraid to realize I can't do better? I'd like to hope one day, after reading this over again, I'll laugh and think, "I'm glad..."

[2007] Still terribly stunted in everything except academics. I'm finally graduating and going into the real world, but still not at the same time. This really needs to be my turning point. Now.

[2008] My God. Anxiety. I've graduated, and took time off (choice? or not?), and things are now about to pull apart from the seams as we speak. Where am I going with this? Exactly, that's where I'd like to be. I have a feeling in years to come, I'll look back and laugh at my level of "maturity". But right now I'm here. Only wanting to be there. And not having enough courage to make my own road.